Before you begin to read this blog, I invite you to grab a coffee and take a moment to spend some time in these words. It might seem like a jumble all of these different thoughts that are currently going on in my head, but I think you might find that the Lord is speaking through these words to your weary heart as much as He is speaking to mine, it is my prayer for you as my reader everytime I push publish on this online journal of mine.
Walking through a season of “I don’t know” currently, and it’s a hard place to be. It’s a hard place to be, when I am the type of person to invite others into my mess, and what is going on in my life, but now, not sure what mess I am even in, I just feel like my blundstones are full of feelings and emotions that I don’t know how to express and it’s dragging me down. There has been a lot of journaling and sitting quietly with The Lord, trying to understand exactly what is going on, and it’s slow. I’m thankful for this slow season, because coming off of a summer that was so intense and busy and I hardly had time to sit down, let alone drink a full mug of coffee, I need this. I am also aware of how much The Lord knew I needed this.
For as long as I can remember, I have been an internal processor. I would go through something, or even as small as my day, and not really want to talk about it. I would go into my room, and curl up on the rocking chair in the corner, and think about everything that had gone on, sometimes journaling and sometimes just sitting. Ever since camp, since basically being surrounded by people 24/7 and having rare moments of alone time, I started processing what I am going through externally, which helps because now I have an outsider point of view on what is going on.
I don’t know if any of you as the readers of this blog, are lovers of the enneagram test. I am, because I feel as if it is finally allowing me to understand why I am the way that I am, without putting our unique souls into a box. For the longest time, I thought I was a two. The helper. There were a couple of things that I didn’t really think I fit in with the two, but went with it anyway because I needed something concrete in my life to explain something in this seasons of so many unknowns and trying to figure outs. The other day, a friend tells me that she thinks I am a four. Mind blown. Seriously. These numbers mean nothing to you if you don’t use the enneagram, but stick with me here, I’ll explain.
The enneagram four, is the individualist. They have a desire to stand out and be seen as unique, feeling loved and feel everything incredibly deeply. They have fears of not having a purpose, being alone and not being understood. They also struggle with comparison.
ME. ME. ME. I read these things, over and over. The whole purpose thing? I want to be a writer, I want to be published, and it is always an awkward conversation to have when somebody asks what you want to do.
“I want to be a writer”
Other person backs away slowly.
It’s a thing, because people either tell me that it’s not going to be enough to make a living, or they don’t even know how to respond. THANK YOU, I AM FULLY AWARE THAT WRITING IS HARD TO MAKE A LIVING OUT OF IT. I love to write though, so I am going to keep writing.
Struggle with comparison? First off, I know that this is something that every single human being on this earth has struggled with, because that is the reality of life. It’s a daily thing for me, in my friendships, the way I dress, the marks I get back on papers, it is something that The Lord and I are working out together right now. BUT I WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU THAT WE ARE ALL SO DANG HUMAN THAT WE WILL ALWAYS COMPARE, it’s the reality of sin in our lives.
Not being understood? or FEELING like you aren’t understood? Been there. Are there. Will be there. Especially when I don’t even know where to begin with everything that is built up inside of me as I begin to learn this whole external processing thing.
These are just bits of what the enneagram four looks like, but there is a lot that lines up with who I am as a person, the way I deal with things and how I feel inside. It’s a huge learning curve, but one that I am so excited to go on, because I feel as if I have something that is finally able to begin to put to words what I feel inside.
I am also aware that this is not a one and done thing. I’m going to say it louder for the people in the back.
THIS IS NOT A ONE AND DONE THING.
This is simply part of my story, written and figuratively. Learning more about myself, and why I am the way I am. Knowing that I am unique, but also an ordinary person who will do ordinary things because I am human. (Shout out to liturgy of the ordinary).
This blog has always been a mashup of random musings and things that I am learning, sometimes vulnerable to the point where I have to walk away for a day before I hit publish, because I am scared of what people are going to think. I don’t even know who reads this blog, (aside from my parents) but it still scares me. Today is no different, and it is okay.
I am still going to tell people that yes, I want to and will be a writer “When I grow up.” I am still going to struggle with comparison and external processing. I am still going to feel everything incredibly deeply, nothing is surface level in my life if you know me at all.
I hope that by the end of this, you have not only finished your coffee, but you’ve learned something new about yourself through these words. Maybe the Lord is whispering something over you that you needed to hear, or maybe you simply needed to sit with virtual Nat musings.
Thank you, reader. For coming alongside me in whatever this journey looks like, all the valleys and mountains and plains in between. The cold cups of coffee and letters of rejection but also letters of acceptions. For silently cheering me on from your favourite spot on the couch, and telling me that these words have touched your weary souls.